"Gimme A Slice..."

Doing what we always do isn't second nature like it used to be

Is it okay to admit that I’m scared?

It’s not the driving. Driving feels as natural as breathing to me these days. I remember when I first owned a car, back in New York City around the time my daughter was born. I would have to give myself pep talks to get behind the wheel, especially if it involved heading out onto the turnpikes and interstates. Maybe it was a few close calls I’d experienced in band vans, or the fact my mother had been badly head injured in a car crash, her life and my entire family’s changed forever. I was terrified each time, but I did it.

Maybe terrified is too strong a word for how I feel about going out to play three solo shows in a row this weekend. I have decades of experience doing gigs. But what used to feel as natural to me as well, driving, has become much rarer and less usual. I look back at the weeks and weeks of gigs and events I did in October and November of 2019 when my book came out - a combination of driving myself to bookstores and clubs from the Northeast down South back up north to Chicago and back around to New York; Flying out to Portland, driving down to L.A. stopping here and there along the way and back up again to Seattle and home for a few more gigs just before Thanksgiving. Readings interspersed with songs, talks with other writers. I’d never done it before but I was raring to go. I seemed to run on a combination of hubris and bald ambition I’m not sure I possess anymore.

Which is fine! After three years of stop and start, enforced exile, I guess I’ve entered a mellower phase. Part of it is self-preservation. We all had to learn to sit at home and like it and I discovered I do like it. I like writing and taking walks and checking out other musicians and bakeries and screenprinting in the basement. I like throwing myself into cover songs just for the heck of it and watching movies and shows and reading and listening to podcasts. I like recording. I think I’m bored with cooking. There are so many things I like to do that don’t even include nice weather that’s just arriving and with it bike rides, boating, swimming and looking at the stars at night.

Then there are the things I am tasked with- they just need to be done. Basic maintenance: dentist, eye doctor; mammograms, Covid tests. Cleaning, yard work, laundry. The last two years it was my dad unmoored but thankfully he’s well looked after in a nursing home now.

So what is this thing called performing? Where does that fit into everything? Showing up in a place you’ve never been, getting the lay of the land. Carrying in equipment, marking out the territory on stage or whatever part of the room if there isn’t a stage. Plugging in, tuning up, checking checking checking; running through a song or two. Grabbing some food, trying to look presentable, setting up merch, dashing off a set list even though you sort of have already worked out a framework of songs. Trying to start strong but allow things to unfold, taking the temperature of the room - who’s resistant, who’s into it (knowing that it’s easy to mistake concentration for surliness, shyness for boredom). Loosening up, taking a chance, falling on your ass (hopefully not literally though it has happened and ended with a trip to the emergency room). Taking a break, breaking a sweat, forgetting the words, asking for help from the audience. Falling in love again with this thing you thought you could take or leave, realizing you can never stop. Like eating the best slice of pizza - you can’t describe it, you just know when you’ve had it and that you’re going to want it again.

And just as I wished back in early February when I practiced and prepared and got myself together for one single show that was over - poof - like that - this weekend I get to do it a second night in another town, a different state! And a third night in yet another. What doesn’t work in one place might click in another. A chance to get in the groove, each night a different experience. Almost like being on tour again.

What exactly was I afraid of again?

I think pretty soon I’m going to want a whole pizza.

Playing live a few years back, before this fave shirt wore out

Solo shows this weekend and band gigs in June:

• Fri May 5 Rosie’s Cafe house concert Belmar NJ sold out

• Sat May 6 Packing House Willington CT TICKETS

• Sun May 7 Argyle Brewing at Cambridge Depot Cambridge NY TICKETS

• Fri Jun 16 Avalon Lounge Catskill NY  TICKETS

• Sat Jun 17 One Roof Concert for the Homeless: Northampton MA TICKETS

• Mon Jun 19 Loft at City Winery New York NY (w/Mary Lee’s Corvette) TIX